still going on

1) i've been sick or something the past few days. at first it seemed like allergies but i've had persistent nausea for the past three days. at this point it is less severe and it isn't constant, or if it is prolonged it is perfectly bearable (however bearable nausea can be). i don't really know what the reason for all this is but i guess there's nothing i can do about it. it is getting better. it has been making me tired.

2) i've been painting a landscape for a month. i've never been good at disciplining myself. this morning i was in bed and my mom walked in and came in to look at it and i remember telling her to gooo awaaaay in my tiredness. the nausea has been making it harder for me to discipline myself about painting, all i want to do is sleep, but it is coming along, slowly. it's going to be an allegory, when it's finished.

3) i reactivated my facebook earlier this eve. i looked at some of matt's photos, and oh what a stranger he is. i can't explain the feeling i get when i see pictures of him, i can't even remember the last time i saw him in person. these days i don't ever know if i miss him or not. i used to know his face so well. if i ever saw him out of the blue i'd be so uncomfortable i'd probably cry, he's so intimidating to me now. he's just a big daunting ghost. seeing him would be like looking into the face of a recurring nightmare, he just plagues me. for the longest time he was the best person i knew. he will always be an enigma to me, but i will always have tender feelings for him in my heart and memory, no matter how he has changed. he was one of the best friends i've ever had, and you don't easily forget that.

4) today was a really nice day. it was warm and breezy. when i got home from school i made green tea and sat outside and finished reading o pioneers!. i only had a few pages left, and it was a nice moment i had to myself, with the sun setting before me, and all the trees of my yard and my neighbors' yards. it's an affectionate feeling to feel your hair warming your face and neck, in the face of a cold wind. i felt for the first time i really want it to be spring. no matter how i love the winter and its cold, grey and white days, every year the same thing happens - i always experience, the first day of every season, that inclination for spring