forget

sometimes i'm so thirsty it feels like an age and even when i drink my thirst is not quenched. when i shift or move my covers the scent ppppppppppuffs up. if i'm warm enough and i can smell that smell it is as if he is here.

for such a town that i live in it seems like i know so many interesting people that i met when they were in high school. sometimes i want to cry thinking about certain people. sometimes when i am thinking about everyone i have met i get this lump in my throat and i start shaking my head back and forth like wow, look at them, how did i ever know them? how did i ever stop knowing them? how can i be content not knowing them any more. but the thing i forget is that it isnt my decision not being friends with certain people because you know they kind of have to have a say. so i carry on these false relationships in my mind with them as if i knew them, like oh, if so and so were here they would love this, they would say this, i would do this and they would think this after i did it. sometimes when i think about what i think about i draw a kind of ambiguous morphous conclusion that i am so worthlessly fake for having so many fantasies a day when they could just as easily be real if i tried. and no, it is not because it's cold or gray, or because i don't "feel well", it's because i force myself to sit and do nothing, and i can feel myself forcing that because i sit and want so badly to get up. like i am physically uncomfortable sitting and i can't move a muscle. is it really that hard to walk through the house and ride my bike? to be honest? to mend or make something instead of watching the last half of hbo movies that i have seen repeatedly and don't even like? i don't want to be happy. i always doubt myself

i don't know how this might sound to someone who misunderstands but to me there are certain people where when i have the affirmation that they like me it is an accomplishment. because knowing that certain people who i respect actually like me back is a good feeling. i have such bad paranoia i don't even realize it until i think about things like this. i don't even know if you can call it paranoia but it's certainly convincing myself that people are thinking things or that people know things and that they are thinking them when they are around me and they're compromising me even though they are just sitting there wondering why i am crumpling up like a ball of paper