courage

Today I stayed home. I mostly felt all right but recently i have been wanting to spend more and more time alone. in the mornings at school i don't have a first period so i just read for an hour, and i think i'm just getting more and more used to spending time alone that now i prefer it. i really just don't ever seem to want to bother with anyone else or be bothered by anyone. because that's how it feels, like i'm being bothered. it's been getting harder for me to get myself to go to sleep and harder for me to get myself out of bed in the morning. so i stayed home from school today. i always want to be alone.

I've been trying to think about why i have reached this state of solipsism, because that really is what i am becoming, solipsistic. but i don't think there is really a definitive answer or reason why. i certainly attribute it, at least in part, to my restlessness about graduating in four or so months. i really feel that in my solitude of the past month or so that i get closer and closer to myself all the time, and for that reason, i love being alone. i am trying to be more disciplined. i read in the mornings and then i go to art and paint and it's a good way to start the day for me. but at the same time i am always tired and i feel that i am becoming reticent towards others as well as taciturn to the point of putting people off more and more. i'm working on being as honest as i can be, and talking just for the sake of social niceties feels dishonest and exhausting. i don't know how i can balance being around people when i really just want to be alone. no one understands if you just don't want to talk to them and make jokes. it doesn't mean you're depressed or angry at them. everyone always wants a reason. but it's people who are only trying to be my friends, to be nice, how can i deny them friendliness? the only people that don't genuinely irk me these days that i still speak to regularly and see throughout the year, albeit sparsely, are maddy willis and noam. they are such old and dear friends of mine. i don't get to see them a lot. it's why i miss them. when i spend too much time with someone or something i get really really bothered by them, i'm not even sure, really, why i get so tired of people. the only people who are ever my best friends are boyfriends, because for some reason when i'm "in love" i never have those feelings of being burdened, as i do with most everyone else in my life. yes, i can think "i miss maddy more than anything" and "noam is the most tried and true friend i've ever had" but i've experienced those burdenings with them as well. again, i have with most everyone in my life.

anyway i stayed home today and, as you can tell by the timestamp here, it is quite late at night, and as i also mentioned, it's hard to me to get to sleep as well as wake up. i like being in solitude, that much is very true. i just am not gregarious, i don't need to be surrounded by people to be happy. but i am also extremely lonely at night, which is most likely why i don't ever want to go to sleep. sleeping alone is really hard. my friend chris this past november and december used to tell me how hard it was for him, in his apartment ( in which he lives alone ) to sleep alone every night. i have never been afflicted so by the pain of sleeping alone. even when i have boyfriends and i don't get to have sleepovers with them often, yes it hurts, but never so lonely does it make me, because you know you have someone, even if they aren't rightly there. on these lonely nights i think about everyone.

( sometimes things in my room smell like you and i have to press a shirt to my face to inhale it, and i don't know if it's because i am wholly enjoying it or if i'm wondering how in the world whatever it is smells like you after having been washed and worn by me repeatedly, and if it even actually does smell like you or if it's just in my head )

because of how much i just want to be alone nowadays i don't feel the need to engage in "obsequious banter" - all i want is to have conversations with people. just genuine conversations. people don't realize how silly their pointless everyday colloquy can be. i certainly don't realize it all the time.

the other interesting thing about my solitudinousness (what a mouthful) is that a quite common distinguishing characteristic about being lonely is eating habits. at least for me. food is definitely a comfort for me. i'm not really an over eater, but i do like to eat when i'm lonely because i like the action of it. and, food is delicious. but i have been actually eating less than usual lately, and quite healthily. green tea. poached eggs. dry toast. clementines. and of course, honey, honey, honey.

so someone please lay down with me and just run your hands across my body and i would love to fall asleep that way and not have such bad dreams. to wake up to a cold grey day in another place. woodsmoke. clouds. evergreens. rock, stone and wood.